Me outside me

It is like you stand outside of your body and watch yourself living, speaking, working and sometimes doing nothing.

I have these phases( can’t think of a better word), when I am myself, but there is a slow, watching and observing me outside me. No matter how busy i am, no time to even drink water, but there is a part of me which is at peace, looking at me, trying to get what I am doing and more importantly why? These are learning times, a kind of realization time, very silent ones also. Maybe in some way rejuvenation of my soul, but i know i feel it and it feels very calm. Its a conscious watch and act type, its more of trying to make sense of everything around. I can hear my heartbeat, slow and steady, wit every rise and fall I am just there, looking at the ‘person I am’ and trying to understand ‘who I’m trying to become’, why? and why not?.

There’s another thing these phases bring along ‘Unattachment’, to everything and everyone. Its all about individualism then and reasons need to be found. I do things not for others, but what’s my desire behind is has to be found. These time bring me solitude as even I leave my self alone. I feel kind of empty and hollow.

Returning back of me doesn’t always has answers and reasons, but bring back some lost humanity and sensibility. It makes me conscious of my acts and their importance in my life. It makes me think again about who i want to be.

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Hi Guys!

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Work.. not so good!

Yesterday i really got upset, nothing major happened just that i missed my cab after work and had to wait for next 2 hrs for the next one. I got home late and all this while there was only one thought in my mind that I’m not a people’s person. you know those hey hi, everywhere they go and have fun in the most awkward times, laugh out troubles and make Friends. Well I’m not like them, and i don’t like it. I’m not saying i want to become a freak but i would like to have more acquaintances, more friends and would like to stop being judgemental without getting to know the person.

I think it all happens coz i don’t let my guard off. not in the least. i don’t know how to mingle without telling all your stories and yes i don’t like to tell much about myself unless i like the person.

Its strange i don’t know wen how will i learn all this. but i would like to know how to have these qualities. This unfriendliness of mine attracts unwanted and harmful people. Its not good. there are people waiting to catch you on your mistakes and pull you down but its not right to give them a chance. you need to talk-more, not personal but just simple things. and make good rapport with people at work.

but i don’t know how. its getting me all the negative things right now, this senior tries to pick any mistakes i make and its weird i keep fighting her rather than making peace. the problem is  i dint know the way, the method. but wold love to learn.

if you know what to do.. do let me know!

Can’t Accept It…

I have always learnt things the hard way, not that i have thought of putting myself through hell , but it always turns out like this. From simplest of things to hardest of lessons..its always a hard way for me.

I’m working on a contract and it is a 6 months period before i become a permanent Employee. However this time is not fixed and totally depends on your manager( my manager has never finished any1’s contract before time). So few days back this pal of mine( shouldn’t call her dat) lets say acquaintance of mine, who had joined my company 45 dats after me(because she wasn’t good enough for it , she needed time to prepare and all that) got her contract over and me its been 5 months now. She got t over in 3 months and I will have to wait for another month. All this made me very angry and it was reasonable also.

Today she told me shes got the offer letter and it made me so irritated. Its done now and I know dat no matter how much i try i will not be able to change it. But still its the acceptance that is so difficult.

I just  can’t make myself accept the fact that sometime ( or mostly) you never get what you deserve or not when you deserve. Life isn’t fair and being a true Libra i always find that the most unacceptable thing. I believe in being fair, to myself and others also.

It s high time i accept the facts of life. It only makes my life more difficult, my pain more deep and the experience too hurting. But all i can think of if ‘Its NOT FAIR!!’.

And so I said…

There isn’t a moment without  a thought, not a second without and idea and not a light without a imaginary conversation. My mind is awake 24X7 and there’s no stop to it. It gets worse when i start blabbering everything( that can be) that comes into it.

I open my mouth and there it is.. random and brutal..not a fact or the truth.. just my own perception, my own way and it hurts that it hurts someone else. It shames of the years i lived and not learnt the control over myself, my thoughts, the way i present them and mostly because the pain I give by being so brutally honest.

I feel i should shut up now, write it down , talk to the walls, just let it out to someone anyone anything, just not the person it is about.

And so i said.. is what i dread…

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